Winter for me over the last few years has been a time for visioning, for watering the seeds of desire and lovingly building the soil around them as they lay in a state of wait.
Then come spring, when the snow melts and the sun the warms the moist ground, they can sprout. However, for the years before the last few I sat in the never ending winter; I had let my desires sit dormant in an arid frozen tundra.
A decade ago I became a single mom when my daughter was 2. This upended my life and I through myself into full survival mode (due to fear) and I then placed my desires, my dreams of being a creative entrepreneur into a box and buried them so deep that I could no longer feel their heartbeat calling me.
I did this because of self doubt and because I had a misunderstanding with creative currency. My familial story lead me to believe that being creative meant that you wouldn’t make money and since I was my daughter’s sole provider until she was six, that meant, in my mind of limits, that nurturing my dream was not an option. I had to make a living to support my daughter which at that time meant leaving all my desires behind.
I stopped painting for me- I painted with my daughter but it was for her.
I stopped going on outdoor adventures to photograph and write because I didn’t want to ask for support so that I could.
I stopped finding the time to connect with my body and let it flourish through dance and movement (except for the occasional dance party with my daughter in the kitchen or 10 minute yoga sessions that fit a young girls attention span.)
I stopped allowing myself to explore and dream and create because I was so far down into the shadow, I couldn’t see the light.
Over these years, my light dimmed to a flicker and it wasn't until one day while brushing my teeth and looking at myself in the mirror, that I truly saw the withered sadness in my eyes.
I didn’t recognize me in that reflection and it sacred me! In fact, a jolt ran through my body and in that moment I decided I had to reconnect to me.
I needed to rebuild the soil, reconnect with my desires, my passion and figure out how to make the space to do that.
I was done withering.
My journey to what I call my Illuminated Life took a few years of saying yes to exploring my creativity again, of excavating my limiting beliefs around money and creativity, of asking for and investing in support so I could find the time to play for me, of trusting myself and being open to creating new loving relationships, and finally curating a business that fused my talent and my experience as a teacher together.
Illumination is the process of coming home to you, to revisit those forgotten desires, to reconnect and play with them and then to see where they lead you.
As adults and especially as parents you get sucked into the whirlpool deferred desires, where you place the needs of children, the needs of your job, the needs of your partner or parents often get placed ahead of our own. This will suck the life out you and shroud you from the magic of playing with your passions, or creating deep connections to yourself and others, it will dim your light and wither your your joy if you don’t start making the time ( little bits at first) to do something that will illuminate you!
Through doing this work I was able to fuse my light, my expertise and my passions into my business where I now run workshops, retreats and programs that help others Illuminate their light and curate their sacred vision and passionate action plan.
If you are interested in illuminating you and want to be lead on that journey in a supportive, creative and sacred space join me on Saturday, March 9th from 10-2 virtually from the comfort of your home, or coffee shop, or office via Zoom.
You can learn more about the Illuminating Your Sacred Vision Virtual Retreat here.
I have just returned from 3 days of communing and learning and journeying with 16 other women as we dug deep into our shadow. Circling in sisterhood is something I never did until 3 years ago and it has changed my life. When I commune in circle with other women weather it is for business or personal reasons I give myself the permission to celebrate myself and get the support to dig deep and connect with my soul and my magic as a women.
In western society we have not allowed ourselves the space or time to do this. The pressures of modern thought and expectations devalue the idea of women ceremonies and gatherings so that we run in the circle of nurturing others and giving to others and earning for the collective. We rarely make time to gather and make sacred space to share ourselves openly and without fear of judgement. The idea that we need to give ourselves permission to do something that nurtures ourselves inside and out is part of our shadow speaking. For many of us the shadow self has been ignored and stuffed so far inside us we don't even know she exists, and when this is the case that is where she takes the reigns and leaves you spinning.
Our shadow is the piece of our subconscious that is there to keep us safe but can also inhibit our life if allowed to be neglected or given permission to take up all the space within our subconscious mind.
This journey of coming face to face with our shadow can crack us open and make us feel raw but if we recognize her, let her known she is seen and heard we can then move forward with her by our side but not in the driver seat.
This work is crucial if you are feeling stuck, if you seem to be going in circles instead of spiraling up. This work can catapult you forward.
Last week I came face to face with her.
My shadow is the Isolation Maven.
She is quiet and her cloak helps me from being exposed.
She has told me for years not to stand out for if I do I could get hurt.
She has told me to not let others see all of me, my fire, my silly playful nature, she told me my vulnerability will show as weakness.
She says that my ideas are too big and others will judge or hurt me.
She has made my inner sanctuary so comfortable and easy that the idea of coming out of my shell is like stepping myself naked on to a public stage BUT she has kept me small and my skin is crawling, my skin needs to shed and my ideas need to be seen and heard.
She has told me that abundance comes from hard work but that work should not rock the boat for it might all go away. Risk is too risky.
She has told me prosperity equals greed.
She has said you have just enough to get by and that is noble.
All of that is just her way of keeping the status quo because for her change is scary.
The unknown for her is the dark abyss.
I now see her but can know longer let her hold the reigns.